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We are heading into Fall, 2024 with anticipation of changes in weather, time, looking forward to the upcoming holiday season, and trying to balance schedules in the busiest times of the year. Parents are busy with work, children, home life, personal, and couple time. Employees and managers adjusting to shorter days of light, end of year expectations regarding how successful businesses have been in 2024, and scheduling. College students have gotten into the swing of college or university life seeing how they have adjusted to new courses, mid-term reports upcoming regarding grade averages, and then plans for end of semester exams. Time management is critical during these Fall days. Daylight hours change, leaving for work or school in darkness, then in December, having left and returned from work or school in the dark hours. How does one balance these changes getting enough sunlight? How does one manage sleep with the gain of an hour adjusting to non-daylight saving time schedules? How does a couple or family adjust to challenging schedules with the holidays upcoming? These, and many more questions are often addressed in the EAP setting or Life coaching regarding managing time, commitments, time for self, time for family, time as a couple, and time with friends. Time management is necessary. Resources have been added to this post as a possible guide for these possible challenges coming in the near future. Check on the updates session, looking September, 2024 where this a special resource packet for readers. Resources for Time Management , Seasonal Affective Disorder , and Sleep Hygiene . How Good Is Your Time Management? A Quiz Eisenhower Time Management Matrix Seasonal Affective Disorder from Johns Hopkins Medical A Ted Talk on Time Management Free Kit on Time Management Sleep Hygiene (Good Sleep) Happy Fall and here is to hoping your days are filled with good possibilities for during this special season! Kathy L. Fortner

Often, in EAP couple's counseling sessions, issues surface regarding family of origin concerns with the dynamics of family enmeshment . A partner, in the couple system, often has a dysfunctional attachment to one parent creating dependency. Dependency most often continues in the couple's relationship creating stress, conflict, confusion regarding a parent having a great deal of involvement in the couple's relational system, partner sharing confidential information regarding the couple's issues with the parent, and the partner being unable to distance or become independent from the parent. The term enmeshment within a family involves a lack of appropriate emotional boundaries between family members and the couple system where identities are often blurred and blended. Often in sessions, the parent-child issues surface as one partner is unable to create a healthy, independent stance in the relationship apart from that of their family of origin. In the couple's sessions, conflict arises due to intimate details about one partner in the relationship is discussed and processed with a parent without the partner's knowledge. When the knowledge is learned by the partner who has been discussed, the conflict arises, trust broken, and the relationship becomes fractured. At times, both partners may be enmeshed with one or both parents in their families of origin, which creates parents being involved in the couple's marriage or committed relationship. Parents are challenged by being independent, adult children are challenged by being independent, therefore overlapping occurs where it is unclear where one person begins and the other ends. Mother-daughter relationships may align against the father , or against the male partner to have control in a manipulative stance. Father-son relationships may align against the mother , or against the female partner with manipulative stances. There are variations to these dysfunctional dynamics. Couples in counseling have to sort out who they are as individuals, sort through what the couple want in a marriage, and create a new couple system without parents involved in their decision making, oversight, and what the relationship should look like independently. Another interesting dynamic in the parent-child relationship dynamic is the father-daughter or mother-son enmeshed relationship. Often the father-daughter dyad may align with stance against the mother , or the mother-son will align against the father . This often happens in blended families where divorce has occurred. Regarding the father-daughter dyad the daughter is unable to develop autonomy, the father may be a helicopter parent, which creates co-dependency by the daughter. Family stress is increased, not being aware where one person begins and the other ends, and there is marital strife as the daughter is sometimes caught in a dysfunctional stance against the mother. The Mother-Son dynamic  is similar yet has different dynamics as the son often will fill the unmet emotional need of the mother, choosing a career to please the mother, struggling to be fully committed to their marital or relational partner, being a sensitive and empathetic caregiver overtakes their identity being over developed, and find friends or partners to emotionally, financially take care of with dependency and to rescue. The mother-son dynamic also creates behaviors the son exhibits by being overly competitive with men and also have many female friends. The son has to overly commit to the mother by compromising, accomodate, and submit to the mother's wishes. The article addresses the various types of relationships, the signs, symptoms, and the anxiety associated with the dysfunctional dynamics. One of the key symptoms is an adult child being viewed by the parent as "their best friend" and vice versa. In a couple system, the couple should be one another's best friend. Other areas of concern include parents sharing personal marital information with child, and when the child becomes an adult, he or she will learn to share their personal marital information with parents. When parents are overly involved in their child's life, due to being enmeshed, the child, as they are to become autonomous, is unable to create independence for making their own decisions and to create a life which is of their own design, not a life created with a parent living through the child's life making their own life wishes (the parent's) coming to realization. Boundaries are blurred in committed relationships. When independence is developed by the member of the couple, the attached parent develops anxiety about their creating a new life, and the adult child also becomes very anxious as they learn to depend on their partner. From Psych Central , these are some of the common traits seen in enmeshed families: Theres a lack of emotional and physical boundaries. You don’t think about whats best for you or what you want; it’s always about pleasing or taking care of others. You feel responsible for other peoples happiness and wellbeing. You’re guilted or shamed if you want less contact (don’t talk to your mother every week or want to spend a holiday without your parents) or you make a choice thats good for you (such as move across the country for a great job opportunity). Your parents self-worth seems to hinge on your success or accomplishments. Your parents want to know everything about your life. Your parents lives center around yours. Your parents don’t encourage you to follow your dreams and may impose their ideas about what you should be doing. Family members overshare personal experiences and feelings in a way that creates unrealistic expectations, unhealthy dependence, confused roles. Often, enmeshed parents treat their children as friends, rely on them for emotional support, and share inappropriate personal information. You feel like you have to meet your parents expectations, perhaps giving up your own goals because they don’t approve. You try to avoid conflicts and don’t know how to say no. You don’t have a strong sense of who you are. You absorb other peoples feelings feel like you need to fix other peoples problems Some common problems that surface and are seen in the enmeshed parent(s)-child relationship are, as cited in Psych Central: Approval-seeking and low self-worth Fear of abandonment Anxiety Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc. Not pursuing your goals Being saddled with inappropriate guilt and responsibility Having a hard time speaking up for yourself Codependent relationships Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves Most often, an individual in an enmeshed family system, is stuck in an adolescent stance needing to be parented into adulthood, when in the teen years, adolescents develop autonomy, gain independence, and create their own life with self chosen goals and aspirations. A parent, in an enmeshed relationship with a child, is not able to stand alone with their, for example, marital partner, due to issues that aren't addressed in parental relationship. Family enmeshment is often learned generational behaviors, or there has been trauma or severe illness which created the dependence. Dependence can develop in families with a history of alcoholism or drug addiction. The work is challenging for both parent and child when counseling is sought, as both need to learn independence, gain self-esteem, and learn to develop their own independent goals. The goals of individual counseling for parent and child is to develop and create their own life, for parent to improve their marital relationship and for the child to develop independence and if in a relationship, to focus on the partner in new ways. This takes time, patience, and overall, a more adult relationship with parent and child. Article on Family Enmeshment and Attachment Why Enmeshed Families Can Be Dysfunctional The Enmeshed Family System and How to Break Free Attachment Quiz Father-Daughter Enmeshment Mother-Daughter Enmeshment Mother-Son Enmeshment Exposing Parent-Child Enmeshment Trauma-Enmeshed Relationships

When dealing with conflicts in a relationship, effective communication is key to resolving issues and maintaining a healthy connection. Often in couple's counseling sessions, the first request for creating goals is the request to improve the partner's communication skills, work through conflict, and develop ways to express thoughts and feelings. Here are some important communication and conflict resolution skills that can help couples navigate conflicts more constructively: 1. Active Listening : Practice listening to your partner without interrupting or formulating your response in your mind. Show empathy and understanding by reflecting back what you hear. Effective listening involves not thinking about how to respond but being engaged utilizing complete listening strategies. Listening actively with your partner involves involves empathy, respect, and genuine interest in what the partner is saying and trying to relay. Active listening is about understanding. It’s so important your partner feels understood, even if you disagree. Active listening involves a process of asking for feedback. You have to check in with your spouse to ensure that you are getting it. Asking questions like, “Am I understanding you?” or “Did you mean this?” are important. Listening can be difficult at an emotional level. Your spouse may share something that offends or upsets you. If you get upset or interrupt, you may have to apologize and seek to repair the conversation. How to actively listen 2. Use I statements : Instead of blaming or accusing your partner, express your feelings and needs using "I" statements. For example, say "I feel ignored when..." instead of "You never listen to me." The use of the word "you", in a statement addressing an issue that needs to be discussed, makes the partner think they are being attacked, therefore defensiveness or a defensive behavior or response develops, communication shuts down. Gottman's approach for couple's making a request using an "I feel" statement: Making a Request (A video for review) 3. Stay Calm : Try to remain calm and composed during disagreements. Take a break if needed to prevent escalating the conflict. Gottman's approach advised partners to realize they are upset, by checking their pulse. If the pulse rate is over 80 to 100, ask for a "pause" for 30 minutes, 60 minutes, saying to return at that time to resume the discussion. Taking a "tactical pause" creates space for both partners to reflect on the issue and create ways to effectively discuss the issue at hand. 4. Be Respectful : Show respect for your partner's opinions and feelings, even if you disagree. Avoid name-calling or belittling language. Each partner is entitled to having their own thoughts and feelings about an issue. Respectful behavior toward the partner demonstrates respect for the partner and the message they are trying to communication. Eye rolling, snickering, calling the partner demeaning names is not effective and shuts down any type of communication process. 5. Seek Compromise and Mediate : Focus on finding solutions that work for both partners rather than trying to "win" the argument. Compromise is a crucial part of healthy conflict resolution. So often in couple's work, one partner wants to win the discussion at any cost. Relationships are not built on win-lose strategies, but a "win-win" outcome where both partner's thoughts and feelings, ideas, and concerns are addressed to meet the wants and needs of the couple. Finding common ground is necessary to begin this process. Mediation techniques are key concepts for couples to learn for working through conflict in areas, for example, financial management, parenting decisions, extended family boundaries, or task sharing in the home with children and parents. In any situation, first , both sides need to be heard, with the intent to see valid points made by each partner. Second, brainstorm various solutions to the problem or issue. Third , look at pros and cons of each option, then find the best option for both sides to come to a mutually agreeable decision. If the solution chosen doesn't work, then return to use the techniques to determine a better solution for again, a win-win decision. 6. Validate Partner's Feelings : Acknowledge your partner's emotions and validate their feelings, even if you don't agree with their perspective. Validating the partner's thoughts and feelings can be shown by saying, "I understood you to say ....". and "This sounds difficult for you..." are examples of having understanding. 7. Practice Empathy : Put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand their point of view. Empathy can help foster a deeper connection and mutual understanding. By honing these communication and conflict resolution skills, couples can navigate conflicts more effectively and strengthen their relationship in the process. Four Horsemen of  of Divorce by Dr. John Gottman targets the areas of conflict he has observed for over 40 years of studying marriage. First is Criticism , second is Contempt , third is Defensiveness,  and forth is Stonewalling . When a marital relationships have all 4 of these traits, the chances of divorce is very high. About the 4 Horsemen (video by Dr. John Gottman) Dr. Gottman addresses ways to make repairs, or antidotes regarding these traits. The first is the " Gentle Startup ", the second is " Taking Responsibility ", the third is " Sharing Fondness and Admiration ", and the fourth is " Use Self Soothing ". When practicing effectively, changes in the relationship may occur and possibly reduce the potential for divorce. Antidotes to the 4 Horsemen of Divorce Resolving conflict in a marital relationship effectively takes practice, using new tools and techniques. Valuing each partner's position, actively listening, and calmly discussing issues reduces stress in the marital relationship with good, solid decisions being made to benefit the individual partners and the marriage. Resources for further review: Active Listening for a Strong Marriage Five Step Process of Working on Problems Effective Communication for Couples

Triangled communication creates conflict in relationships, whether with couples, families, friendships, peer relationships, or work settings, due to individuals, most often, innocently drawn into drama. Roles are established by the individual, who views themselves as "victim", with strife developing due to manipulative behaviors. Many times when conducting EAP counseling sessions, this conflicted behavior is demonstrated to clients, noting the intent for their becoming aware which role they are playing and assigned. The behavior by the "victim" is purposeful. The "victim" does not have the skills to work through one on one conflict, thus draws others in to "rescue" and speak for them. The "victim" has a conflicted situation with another individual (known as the persecutor, perpetrator, "bad guy"). The "victim" will then go to another individual (known as the "rescuer") speaking about the circumstances of strife regarding the "persecutor". The intent is to create a situation where the "rescuer" will then go to the "persecutor" to confront the "persecutor" about concerns relayed to them by the "victim". Thus, a conflict has been created between the "persecutor" and the "rescuer". The "victim", who does not possess the skills for dealing with conflict is then "off the hook" due to the diversion. Now, drama among three people has been created, relationships strained, with a myriad of feelings surfacing from anger, hurt, frustration, and more. The purpose of this post is to provide education about the "Karman Drama Triangle", ways to prevent being drawn into conflict, and a brief introduction to Transactional Analysis (TA) to educate the reader about "the games people play". About the Karpman Drama Triangle The Drama Triangle was first created by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s showing the power games in dysfunctional social interactions with individuals being in one of the three roles previously described. As shown in the photo below, the three roles are described with the "Persecutor" being angry, aggressive, judgmental, demanding, and spiteful with scorn "Victim" being manipulative, poor me syndrome, helpless and needy, complaining and whining, fretful, downtrodden, and blaming others "Rescuer" being with appearance of self sacrificing, overly helpful and facilitative, like to be needed, prone to meddling unnecessarily, and engulfing (Resource from https://www.listeningpartnership.com/insight/about-the-drama-triangle-and-how-to-escape-it/) Individuals, most often, are caught off guard, and are placed in the rescue role unaware of the conflict to develop. Individuals can move through any of the three roles given the situation. How does one remove themselves, for example, from the rescuer role? Move to the middle of the triangle. A scenario that often happens, where people can be caught is as follows: Person A (Victim) has an issue with Person B (Persecutor). Person A goes to Person C (Rescuer) with the issue and manipulatively wants Person C to fix the problem by speaking to Person B. They have conflict (B and C), a possible argument, when in actuality, Person C are not truly aware of Person B's part of the situation. All three relationships are then damaged. How does one stop being the rescuer? Advise to Person A that comes to Person C, "I think it best your speaking and working with Person B rather than wanting me to fix the situation because I do not have all of the information." Person C, the Rescuer, has then moved to the center of the triangle leaving Person B and Person A to work on their issue. This decision and movement preserves the relationship, reduces or eliminates conflict, and thus the drama is stopped. There are many more situations that can evolve in the Drama Triangle, therefore, resource links are provided for your review. The Karpman Drama Triangle How to Escape the Dreaded Drama Triangle How to Use the Drama Triangle at Work The Relationship Triangle from Psychology Today In EAP counseling sessions, and also work coaching/consulting clients, this dynamic surfaces many times with the rescuer blind sided being unaware of a relationship challenge with someone they have not had conflict with prior to the "drawing in" by the victim. The Rescuer is not aware of what has occurred, the reasons for another person coming to them about issues for which they are not involved with in the conflict. Strife develops. Relationships are then damaged which may not be repaired or could be lost due to dysfunctional triangulated behaviors and communication. Transactional Analysis Eric Berne developed the Transactional Analysis (TA) approaches demonstrated relational dynamics with the Parent, Adult, Child Ego states, with communication exchanges between individuals. The PAC dynamic, created in the 1950s, provided individuals to see how they relate and react to others. A quote from the provided resource states, "Eric Berne proposed that dysfunctional behavior is the result of self-limiting decisions made in childhood in the interest of survival. Such decisions culminate in what Berne called the “life script,” the pre-conscious life plan that governs the way life is lived out." (Resource https://www.simplypsychology.org/transactional-analysis-eric-berne.html) By learning, and being aware of the communication styles and behaviors, one develops skills seeing where another individually operates relationally. Books, written about this topic in the 1970s, provided to individuals, families, couples, friendships, and work settings, the "life scripts" someone may use to meet their needs. One book entitled, "The Games People Play" provides education about the "games" others use to get their dysfunctional needs met and the "strokes" they receive when their script is successful. Another book based on these concepts is entitled, "I'm OK, You're OK". Again, this work references TA and the triangulated behaviors of others. These two works are worth reading and adding to your knowledge base for effective communication and relationship enhancement. If you, or someone you know, is involved with continued drama, the negative impact on relationships, this information will be helpful for your personal growth and learning about "games people play". Take time to review, process, and learn about how you relate to others with the PAC schema in TA. Resources for TA: TA Eric Berne Exploring the Three Stages How to Use TA to Discover Your Authentic Self

How can Life Coaching help me? A number of benefits are available from participating in Life Coaching. Coaches can provide support, problem-solving skills, and enhanced coping strategies for areas such as stress, work-life balance, relationship development and improvement, parents in need of strategies for kids and teens, college student challenges, stress management, time management, communication improvement, transitions in life, conflict resolution, and creative blocks. Many people also find that Life Coaches can be a tremendous asset to managing personal growth, interpersonal relationships, family education, relational challenges, and the hassles of daily life. Life Coaches also can provide a fresh perspective on a difficult problem or point you in the direction of a solution. The benefits obtained from coaching depend on how well you use the process and put into practice what you learn. Some of the benefits available from Life and Executive Coaching include: Attaining a better understanding of yourself, your goals and values Developing skills for improving your relationships Finding resolution to the issues or concerns that led you to seek coaching Learning new ways to cope with stress Managing communication in the work place setting, social relationships, family situations Improving communications and listening skills Changing old behavior patterns and developing new ones Discovering new ways improve family or marriage Improving your self-esteem and boosting self-confidence Gain skills in conflict resolution Do I really need to seek Life or Executive Coaching? I can usually work through life challenges. Everyone goes through challenging situations in life, and while you may have successfully navigated through other difficulties you've faced, there's nothing wrong with seeking out extra support and learn new skills when you need it. In fact, coaching is for people who have enough self-awareness to realize they need to learn new ways of thinking, and that is something to be admired. You are taking responsibility by accepting where you're at in life and making a commitment to change the situation by seeking new skills by working with a life coach. Life Coaching provides long-lasting benefits and support, giving you the tools you need to create the life you seek. Back to Top Why do people seek Life Coaches and Consultants and how do I know if it is right for me? People have many different motivations for coming to seek coaching. Some may be going through a major life transition (unemployment, divorce, new job, etc.), or are not handling stressful circumstances well. Some people need assistance managing a range of other issues such as low self-esteem, seeking life design, seeking ways to find new paths for new life chapters, or creative blocks. A Life Coach can help provide some much needed encouragement and help with skills to get them through these challenges. Others may be at a point where they are ready to learn more about themselves or want to be more effective with their goals in life. In short, people who seek coaching are ready to meet the challenges in their lives and ready to make needed changes in their lives. What is a Life Coaching session like? Because each person has different issues and goals for their life coaching, each individual will be different depending on the individual. In general, you can expect to discuss the current situations impacting your life, provide a brief personal history relevant to your issue, and report progress (or any new insights gained) from the previous life coaching session. Depending on your specific needs, life coaching can be short-term, for a specific issue, or longer-term, to deal with more in depth goals setting and achievement. The main goal is for you to have the desire for improved personal development. Either way, it is most common to schedule regular sessions with your coach (usually weekly) or every two weeks, depending upon your agreed pre-planned package. It is important to understand that you will get more results from your chosen coaching sessions if you actively participate in the process. The ultimate purpose of Life Coaching is to help you bring what you learn in session back into your life. Therefore, beyond the work you do in Life Coaching sessions, your Life Coach will suggest some things you can do outside of sessions to support your process - such as reading a pertinent book, journaling on specific topics, noting particular behaviors or taking action on your goals through targeted activities. People seeking Life and Executive Coaching are ready to make positive changes in their lives, are open to new perspectives and take responsibility for their lives. What about mental health issues in Coaching? Life and Executive Coaches do not include in coaching sessions that include mental health disorders or issues. If there is a concern for mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. then the coach will direct the client to see separate services from the mental health clinician of their choosing. Due to the Ethics and Standards of coaching, a coach does not include any type of therapy or treatment in work with a life coaching client. The Life Coach may have a clinical license in mental health yet they keep the services separate. A life coach does not provide also mental health services to the same client. How Do I Pay for Life and Executive Coaching Sessions? Life and Executive Coaching sessions are private pay. These services are not covered by any insurance plan or EAP (Employee Assistance Plan). Sessions are purchased by pre-payment, as a package, for a pre-determined number of hours for the plan of coaching with the client. Confidentiality is one of the most important components between a client and life coach. Successful life coaching requires a high degree of trust that is usually not discussed anywhere but in the coaching session. Every Life Coach should provide a written copy of their confidential disclosure agreement, and you can expect that what you discuss in session will not be shared with anyone. This is called “Informed Consent”. Sometimes, however, you may want your life coach to share information but by law your coach cannot release this information without obtaining your written permission. Life Coaching Ethics and Standards require coaches to maintain confidentiality. Coaches do not have licenses as mental health clinicians in the state. Yet most coaches have passed extensive training, taken Board Examinations, and have passed the requirements to be a Board Certified Coach through an internationally recognized organization. Kathy L. Fortner, has Boards in Life and Executive Coaching, and has been continually Board Certified since 2012. She also is a member of the International Coaching Federation where there continues to be on-going education and training in her field. She also is a Board Certified Clinical Counselor yet only sees EAP clients in the part-time virtual practice. What about your considering Life Coaching sessions? Coaching is a great way to work through this year planning and creating new goals, a new vision, or plan.

An Insightful, Resourced Based Blog and Practice Resource Information I am Kathy L. Fortner, EdS, a clinical mental health counselor, life coach, and consultant located in the Myrtle Beach, SC area. After many years working in mental health, coaching, teaching, and consulting professions, my focus now is to create an innovative approach providing readers targeted posts from various resources to educate, guide, gain personal growth, and obtain skill development. I currently have a virtual practice providing EAP counseling, life coaching and consulting services. Posts will be added as new, and timely, topics surface providing readers current resources to gain insight and further their knowledge in areas they may find of interest. I look forward to sharing updated resources with you, as I find it to be a wonderful challenge creating an opportunity for giving back to an interested community of visitors and readers visiting Insights. Let's begin this journey! My virtual EAP practice I have a virtual, tele-health practice in Myrtle Beach, SC. The focus of my work is providing Employee Assistance Services (EAP) to individuals, families, couples, who may need non-medical counseling in areas of relational concerns, conflict resolution, time and stress management, transitional issues for mid-life issues, college student transition, anger management, divorce transition, grief, and other concerns. Employees, who have access to EAP services, are given free sessions provided by the EAP clinician. If you wish to schedule an appointment, check with your employer, learn which company hosts the EAP services, then contact me to schedule your first 15 minute free discovery call to begin scheduling your sessions. Sessions must have prior authorization for services to be provided. Click here to visit Kathy L. Fortner, EdS to schedule your first session. My Life Coaching Practice Life Coaching Services are non-mental health, non-medical related types of services addressing areas of goal development and personal growth. Sessions are purchased in a pre-paid package format in 4, 6, 8, or 12 hour segments. The topic areas may include couples coaching for relational improvement, ADHD coaching for skill development, conflict resolution coaching for management and employees, communication skills development, life design, mid-life transition, college student coaching, goal development for personal growth, improving self-confidence, finding happiness, grief coaching, post-divorce coaching, and other life growth concerns. Discovery sessions can be scheduled through my practice website by visiting Kathy L. Fortner, EdS to receive your first free 15 minute discovery session. I look forward to hearing from you to begin your journey. In closing.... Insights is a blog and resource journey provided with an opportunity for those reading posts, growing, learning, changing, improving, and being updated on timely and relevant topics. My goal, through upcoming posts, is creating unique resource for the reader to visit obtaining useful and beneficial information for change. My question to you: What in your life is there need for refocus, growth and change? What are your possibilities that have not been explored? Maybe now is the time to visit how to be the best possible you or make the best possible change for your organization or business. Let me hear from you by subscribing to my blog.