Family Dynamics-Enmeshment
- klfortner2005
- Jul 7, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Aug 4, 2024
Often, in EAP couple's counseling sessions, issues surface regarding family of origin concerns with the dynamics of family enmeshment. A partner, in the couple system, often has a dysfunctional attachment to one parent creating dependency. Dependency most often continues in the couple's relationship creating stress, conflict, confusion regarding a parent having a great deal of involvement in the couple's relational system, partner sharing confidential information regarding the couple's issues with the parent, and the partner being unable to distance or become independent from the parent.
The term enmeshment within a family involves a lack of appropriate emotional boundaries between family members and the couple system where identities are often blurred and blended. Often in sessions, the parent-child issues surface as one partner is unable to create a healthy, independent stance in the relationship apart from that of their family of origin.
In the couple's sessions, conflict arises due to intimate details about one partner in the relationship is discussed and processed with a parent without the partner's knowledge. When the knowledge is learned by the partner who has been discussed, the conflict arises, trust broken, and the relationship becomes fractured. At times, both partners may be enmeshed with one or both parents in their families of origin, which creates parents being involved in the couple's marriage or committed relationship. Parents are challenged by being independent, adult children are challenged by being independent, therefore overlapping occurs where it is unclear where one person begins and the other ends.
Mother-daughter relationships may align against the father, or against the male partner to have control in a manipulative stance. Father-son relationships may align against the mother, or against the female partner with manipulative stances. There are variations to these dysfunctional dynamics. Couples in counseling have to sort out who they are as individuals, sort through what the couple want in a marriage, and create a new couple system without parents involved in their decision making, oversight, and what the relationship should look like independently.
Another interesting dynamic in the parent-child relationship dynamic is the father-daughter or mother-son enmeshed relationship. Often the father-daughter dyad may align with stance against the mother, or the mother-son will align against the father. This often happens in blended families where divorce has occurred. Regarding the father-daughter dyad the daughter is unable to develop autonomy, the father may be a helicopter parent, which creates co-dependency by the daughter. Family stress is increased, not being aware where one person begins and the other ends, and there is marital strife as the daughter is sometimes caught in a dysfunctional stance against the mother.
The Mother-Son dynamic is similar yet has different dynamics as the son often will fill the unmet emotional need of the mother, choosing a career to please the mother, struggling to be fully committed to their marital or relational partner, being a sensitive and empathetic caregiver overtakes their identity being over developed, and find friends or partners to emotionally, financially take care of with dependency and to rescue. The mother-son dynamic also creates behaviors the son exhibits by being overly competitive with men and also have many female friends. The son has to overly commit to the mother by compromising, accomodate, and submit to the mother's wishes.
The article addresses the various types of relationships, the signs, symptoms, and the anxiety associated with the dysfunctional dynamics. One of the key symptoms is an adult child being viewed by the parent as "their best friend" and vice versa. In a couple system, the couple should be one another's best friend. Other areas of concern include parents sharing personal marital information with child, and when the child becomes an adult, he or she will learn to share their personal marital information with parents. When parents are overly involved in their child's life, due to being enmeshed, the child, as they are to become autonomous, is unable to create independence for making their own decisions and to create a life which is of their own design, not a life created with a parent living through the child's life making their own life wishes (the parent's) coming to realization. Boundaries are blurred in committed relationships. When independence is developed by the member of the couple, the attached parent develops anxiety about their creating a new life, and the adult child also becomes very anxious as they learn to depend on their partner.
From Psych Central, these are some of the common traits seen in enmeshed families:
Theres a lack of emotional and physical boundaries.
You don’t think about whats best for you or what you want; it’s always about pleasing or taking care of others.
You feel responsible for other peoples happiness and wellbeing.
You’re guilted or shamed if you want less contact (don’t talk to your mother every week or want to spend a holiday without your parents) or you make a choice thats good for you (such as move across the country for a great job opportunity).
Your parents self-worth seems to hinge on your success or accomplishments.
Your parents want to know everything about your life.
Your parents lives center around yours.
Your parents don’t encourage you to follow your dreams and may impose their ideas about what you should be doing.
Family members overshare personal experiences and feelings in a way that creates unrealistic expectations, unhealthy dependence, confused roles. Often, enmeshed parents treat their children as friends, rely on them for emotional support, and share inappropriate personal information.
You feel like you have to meet your parents expectations, perhaps giving up your own goals because they don’t approve.
You try to avoid conflicts and don’t know how to say no.
You don’t have a strong sense of who you are.
You absorb other peoples feelings feel like you need to fix other peoples problems
Some common problems that surface and are seen in the enmeshed parent(s)-child relationship are, as cited in Psych Central:
Approval-seeking and low self-worth
Fear of abandonment
Anxiety
Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.
Not pursuing your goals
Being saddled with inappropriate guilt and responsibility
Having a hard time speaking up for yourself
Codependent relationships
Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset
Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves
Most often, an individual in an enmeshed family system, is stuck in an adolescent stance needing to be parented into adulthood, when in the teen years, adolescents develop autonomy, gain independence, and create their own life with self chosen goals and aspirations. A parent, in an enmeshed relationship with a child, is not able to stand alone with their, for example, marital partner, due to issues that aren't addressed in parental relationship. Family enmeshment is often learned generational behaviors, or there has been trauma or severe illness which created the dependence. Dependence can develop in families with a history of alcoholism or drug addiction.
The work is challenging for both parent and child when counseling is sought, as both need to learn independence, gain self-esteem, and learn to develop their own independent goals. The goals of individual counseling for parent and child is to develop and create their own life, for parent to improve their marital relationship and for the child to develop independence and if in a relationship, to focus on the partner in new ways. This takes time, patience, and overall, a more adult relationship with parent and child.
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