Conflicted? Couple Communication Skills 101
- klfortner2005
- Aug 4, 2024
- 4 min read
When dealing with conflicts in a relationship, effective communication is key to resolving issues and maintaining a healthy connection. Often in couple's counseling sessions, the first request for creating goals is the request to improve the partner's communication skills, work through conflict, and develop ways to express thoughts and feelings.
Here are some important communication and conflict resolution skills that can help couples navigate conflicts more constructively:
1. Active Listening: Practice listening to your partner without interrupting or formulating your response in your mind. Show empathy and understanding by reflecting back what you hear. Effective listening involves not thinking about how to respond but being engaged utilizing complete listening strategies.
Listening actively with your partner involves involves empathy, respect, and genuine interest in what the partner is saying and trying to relay. Active listening is about understanding. It’s so important your partner feels understood, even if you disagree. Active listening involves a process of asking for feedback.
You have to check in with your spouse to ensure that you are getting it. Asking questions like, “Am I understanding you?” or “Did you mean this?” are important.
Listening can be difficult at an emotional level. Your spouse may share something that offends or upsets you. If you get upset or interrupt, you may have to apologize and seek to repair the conversation.
2. Use I statements: Instead of blaming or accusing your partner, express your feelings and needs using "I" statements. For example, say "I feel ignored when..." instead of "You never listen to me." The use of the word "you", in a statement addressing an issue that needs to be discussed, makes the partner think they are being attacked, therefore defensiveness or a defensive behavior or response develops, communication shuts down.
Gottman's approach for couple's making a request using an "I feel" statement:
3. Stay Calm: Try to remain calm and composed during disagreements. Take a break if needed to prevent escalating the conflict. Gottman's approach advised partners to realize they are upset, by checking their pulse. If the pulse rate is over 80 to 100, ask for a "pause" for 30 minutes, 60 minutes, saying to return at that time to resume the discussion. Taking a "tactical pause" creates space for both partners to reflect on the issue and create ways to effectively discuss the issue at hand.
4. Be Respectful: Show respect for your partner's opinions and feelings, even if you disagree. Avoid name-calling or belittling language. Each partner is entitled to having their own thoughts and feelings about an issue. Respectful behavior toward the partner demonstrates respect for the partner and the message they are trying to communication. Eye rolling, snickering, calling the partner demeaning names is not effective and shuts down any type of communication process.
5. Seek Compromise and Mediate: Focus on finding solutions that work for both partners rather than trying to "win" the argument. Compromise is a crucial part of healthy conflict resolution. So often in couple's work, one partner wants to win the discussion at any cost. Relationships are not built on win-lose strategies, but a "win-win" outcome where both partner's thoughts and feelings, ideas, and concerns are addressed to meet the wants and needs of the couple. Finding common ground is necessary to begin this process.
Mediation techniques are key concepts for couples to learn for working through conflict in areas, for example, financial management, parenting decisions, extended family boundaries, or task sharing in the home with children and parents. In any situation, first, both sides need to be heard, with the intent to see valid points made by each partner. Second, brainstorm various solutions to the problem or issue. Third, look at pros and cons of each option, then find the best option for both sides to come to a mutually agreeable decision. If the solution chosen doesn't work, then return to use the techniques to determine a better solution for again, a win-win decision.
6. Validate Partner's Feelings: Acknowledge your partner's emotions and validate their feelings, even if you don't agree with their perspective. Validating the partner's thoughts and feelings can be shown by saying, "I understood you to say ....". and "This sounds difficult for you..." are examples of having understanding.
7. Practice Empathy: Put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to understand their point of view. Empathy can help foster a deeper connection and mutual understanding.
By honing these communication and conflict resolution skills, couples can navigate conflicts more effectively and strengthen their relationship in the process.
Four Horsemen of of Divorce by Dr. John Gottman targets the areas of conflict he has observed for over 40 years of studying marriage. First is Criticism, second is Contempt, third is Defensiveness, and forth is Stonewalling. When a marital relationships have all 4 of these traits, the chances of divorce is very high.
About the 4 Horsemen (video by Dr. John Gottman)
Dr. Gottman addresses ways to make repairs, or antidotes regarding these traits. The first is the "Gentle Startup", the second is "Taking Responsibility", the third is "Sharing Fondness and Admiration", and the fourth is "Use Self Soothing". When practicing effectively, changes in the relationship may occur and possibly reduce the potential for divorce.
Resolving conflict in a marital relationship effectively takes practice, using new tools and techniques. Valuing each partner's position, actively listening, and calmly discussing issues reduces stress in the marital relationship with good, solid decisions being made to benefit the individual partners and the marriage.
Resources for further review:
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